Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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