he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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