Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
