Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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