even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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