Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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