Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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