Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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