I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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