I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
