Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
