I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Can you bring me the toilet please
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
