Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
