So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
