Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
