i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
