I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
