never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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