You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
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i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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