first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
