He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
