Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize