Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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