Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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