You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Randomize
