Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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