"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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