Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
