Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
