She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
