Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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