So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
