She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
you never un-have a 4some
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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