things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
If I die, sorry about rent.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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