Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
