Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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