so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
