so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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