So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Randomize
