Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
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