another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
