Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My cat gives me a boner
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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