If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
