rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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