I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
