Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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