Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
