My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
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