it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
