Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Randomize
